LOL. Ok, I know, ridiculous question, but......
When AF was a few days late this week, I couldn't help but start hoping for a BFP. Sure sure, things are more than hectic around here right now. My house looks like a department store puked in it. I can barely manage a trip to the grocery without forgetting at least 3 essentials, typically toilet paper, milk, & bread. And well . . . finances are running tight now and again, because I'm not able to devote as much time to my thrifty coupon clipping. I went from spending $50 a week on groceries to $100.... NOT COOL!
I mentioned to my husband that I found a birthday card I would've liked to get him for his birthday, but it said we'd be getting naked for it and . . . I told him I was hoping we wouldn't be "able to", since we don't get intimate when AF is around - it grosses me out I think more than it does him. But anyways . . . he was sick. He's not against more children, but certainly not right now. And I'll admit, I need to learn to better manage my time (aka learn to get away from this computer) before I set out into the adventures of a mommy of 3 little ones. But . . . no matter how ill the circumstances, I think most women, those that enjoy mothering, wishes they could pop babies out left and right. There are times when I think I'm nuts for having the slightest touch of baby fever, like when both girls are in the bed with us all night long, but there are other times, I miss those kicks from the womb and I look forward to FINALLY having a birth, my way . . . @ home.
My husband wasn't open to the idea of homebirth with our second. After all, I did have 2 epidurals for my first. But that was for a forced labor that left me at 3 cm after having my water broken by my OB and the Pitocin cranked up every 15 minutes for HOURS. It was the knife or the needle. It really wasn't a complicated delivery, I just wish I'd known better and had avoided all the drugs, etc. and opted out of an elective induction just because my husband was traveling out of town. Shoulda just told him to.... okay, this is where I was gonna say "Suck it" but that just feels really out of place..... in a humorous, but more so flat out awkward, inappropriate way.
Hubby said we should see if I could give birth without drugs first, then he'd consider letting me homebirth our third. Well.... if you know me, tell me I can't do something, like birth a baby naturally, which is what everyone did, and you know I will do it. After 18.5 hours of natural labor, Brooke was born at 41 & 0. So.... high pain tolerance and patience somehow found me.
Then again, there are times, I feel guilty. I feel guilty for not letting Reese be the baby longer, for not spending more quality time with just her and having to split my time between her and her little sister, even though Reese obviously still needs me as much as ever. I've come to think that tandem nursing makes me feel guilty, because I can't always arrange for both nurslings to be at the breast when they want. I always prioritize though, and put Brooke ahead of Reese, but I wish I could let Reese nurse more, as she desires, without Brooke pitching a hissy fit, something Reese did in the earlier months.
I feel like I was unfair in setting out to TTC before Reese self-weaned, and feel like my selfishness cost Reese vital Mommy & Me time...... It really brings me to tears daily. . . That's why I think I really need to consider allowing both girls to wean before I fully aspire to conceive #3. BUT . . . . oh . . . I just don't know. I'm so indecisive, I have such mixed feelings when it comes to tandem nursing . . . I guess since my body probably won't grow a third boob, Reese should at least be weaned . . . by self, hopefully, before we get word of #3's expected arrival.
1 comment:
Note... I was nursing Miriam (3) and Daniel(16 months) when Micah was on his way... they all did fine, and are all very close, loving siblings. Each learned to put the needs of the younger/weaker before themselves... it was good :-)
Post a Comment